silently strong but deals with problems in an emotionally concealed manner

STUPOR I cant feel anything, I cant even think of something (so what AM I doing?). But I think I AM drowning and I don’t know if someone will help me. Subconsciously I know I have to do something but making ME my own enemy is not an easy way to win. Keeping everything secured doesn’t mean it’s a happy life or a safe life. I know I have learned a lot but I felt I know nothing now. I just wanna feel real love, but it is tearing me apart. No matter what I do black wall is everywhere without you. But wait in the corner of my mind I know I can but how about you? How? You? You? You? You? You? Now YOU are my responsibility. Whether I like it or not without you in my life is like no LIFE at all. Too blind to see, too selfish to care, too lazy to start, too tired to feel or too stupid to be a part of me? I wanna start shouting, wanna demand existence. Wanna demand care. Now I AM off guard, so weak, you can kick me, slap me, punch me, who cares? I know I cant take it no more.