silently strong but deals with problems in an emotionally concealed manner

Gonna try unschooling….

Got to get up tired of waiting for my wake up call from this ghost that I made…

Or maybe try unlearning the things that polluted my mind. Remove it from the system. Erase, erase, and delete!!! Can I do that half-heartedly?  Well what can I do, I seldom make final decision just excited of what will happen… Is this a sign of “young and wanna be stupid syndrome? Come on I’m surrounded with oldies!!! Folks don’t get mad…

I caged myself and someone freed me then I enjoyed the life outside…reckless life, the come what may.  Someone said it’s just a strain of being away, I guess sounds nice. Life life life depends on your perception.  So caught up. This is so roller coaster thought done with this.  Hay been walking and walking lately to somehow free my mind from all the madness running through my badass brain.  Im in a vulnerable phase yup I do know that… im fighting it half-heartedly… but im giving my best foot forward. I’m not pointing anything here im just releasing some virus.  

i still have one month to know and cure what is really going on. my health sucks… i need to be okay before May.  i think not knowing what is really happening to my body makes me sick as well.  i want them to explain what is happening to me. gee i hate people asking me what’s wrong cause i still dont know exactly what is going on. hay…. too many test for thyroid, heart, blood, etc…. huhuhuhuhuhu all i know is this is just stress so why bother too many lab tests? i need to unwind, wanna sleep all day long, wanna hug him all night long.  best thing to do right now is have some vacation then after that im ready to face those lab tests…

I thought I was just sleeping, having the dream of a life time… things were so confusing that even a dream could make me feel so true no matter how it seems to be so untrue… who knows that I’m such a fool, not knowing if I’m still dreaming or living the reality of dreaming? Here I am after the battle of losing my soul and thought love was dead, I’m in heaven kissing an angel.  My journey was such a pain but love was all around but now I’m home and you’re holding my hand. I want to make you my reality, my life and my journey. 

STUPOR I cant feel anything, I cant even think of something (so what AM I doing?). But I think I AM drowning and I don’t know if someone will help me. Subconsciously I know I have to do something but making ME my own enemy is not an easy way to win. Keeping everything secured doesn’t mean it’s a happy life or a safe life. I know I have learned a lot but I felt I know nothing now. I just wanna feel real love, but it is tearing me apart. No matter what I do black wall is everywhere without you. But wait in the corner of my mind I know I can but how about you? How? You? You? You? You? You? Now YOU are my responsibility. Whether I like it or not without you in my life is like no LIFE at all. Too blind to see, too selfish to care, too lazy to start, too tired to feel or too stupid to be a part of me? I wanna start shouting, wanna demand existence. Wanna demand care. Now I AM off guard, so weak, you can kick me, slap me, punch me, who cares? I know I cant take it no more.

I have never been so wrong before. You made it impossible for me to find a new YOU. 

YOU spoiled me by your touch. I would only be fooling myself if I tried to believe that is still a room for us. Now who can love me the way you do.  No matter how I change my mind I know I am wasting time. I am still broke, but no matter how I keep hoping things will be back real soon I am just fooling myself. There ain’t no way I’m getting over you I don’t know what I’ve been trying to prove. I’m hopeless, helpless when it comes to you, chubbyto. The love you gave is so hard to find. But I know you want this way, am i just a waste of time? It kills me when I hear your name. i said I’ll be over you just a week of two but look at me I aint feel better. I know I know part of me says let it go and right now I’ll try anything just feel better.

i miss my old my life, hay.  i miss being alone, but i aint saying i dont like my sister around it is just i have responsibility whether i like it or not she’s my brat sis, gosh she’s sometimes pain in the ass.  hay but i love her maybe i aint use to have her around and being her ate again.  almost 4 or 5 years din kc kmi hindi tlga nagsama although nagkikta namn kmi.  and right now i have commitment na and i am so happy kc as in seryoso ko d2 pro hirap pla mag adjust i am crossingmy fingers kaya ko to.  hay i love my sis and otep so much n kaht hirap nko magadjust s kanila kinakaya ko kc i know they are the people who make me stronger and feel that i am blessed. to julca and otep, pls namn wag namn kyo pasaway. mmwah…

lot luvs ljlode    

Every day is so wonderful even though I face it with all the burdens and pain, LIFE is so incredible.  Seems no matter what I do, you are always there.  Darkness may hide my true pathway but every where I go, sun always shine.  I may have thousand questions all the time, and doubt about your LOVE, but I know you will never bring me DOWN.  I know what ever I do, say, and think you will never judge me as they do.  You can see my HEART, and my SOUL, and believe it is PURE. LIFE may be cruel some times, but when you smile no matter how it’s hard, you spoiled me with your touch. You can WHISPER me all the things I wanna hear to be brave enough. You’re the only ONE who can tickle my SOUL, and can take away sadness that the world never meant to share.   You gave me ALL the seasons, all the LOVE in the WORLD.  No one can LOVE me the way you do. My life will be worthless without you.  You never had a PRIDE with all the troubles I brought you, though I always SWEAR “Not To”.  

You don’t care how many times I FALL, WALK AWAY, HURT you, FORGET you, and TEAR your heart inside.  I HOPE I will never make you any more MISERY.  Because of you I have LEARNED the “Hard Way.” The hardest of LIFE makes me nearer to YOU, to the times I was always LOST.                 

Out of the darkness with you, HOME, is where I belong.  No vain hopes and emptiness.      

YOU….    

to be continue …..               

Sometimes life can be a burden
Tryna stay one step ahead
I feel the world upon my shoulder each time
I’m standing out on the edge
And my hopes have all deserted me
Like they washed away in the sand
And it’s hurting my pride
Tryna survive
But i know i stand a chance

When you lay your hands
Oh yeah
‘Coz it’s the only thing I have that still makes sense

(Oh baby, when I’m calling out)
Give me love and affection,
Keep telling me, show me the way.
(Oh, if you see me falling down)
Lift me up from the shadows
Will you take me away to a better place?
(And when I’m in my darkest hour)
You’re by my side, to turn the tide,
Until the suffering fades.
When life is getting me down,
getting me down, i’m close to defeat,
Come and lay

ur

hands on me.

Feel this road is getting longer now
And i’m too far away from home
Still I gotta keep on moving on
But I can’t do it on my own
Baby keep my head above water
Help me swim for my life
‘Coz the game is getting harder
The strain is gettin stronger
And I can only face the fight

‘Til I’m healed again,
Rediscovered my strengths,
Those bitter blues are gone…
Oh, gone…

Butterfly

When you love someone so deeply
They become your life
It’s easy to succumb to overwhelming fears
inside
Blindly I imagined I could
Keep you under glass
Now I understand to hold you
I must open up my hands
And watch you rise

Spread your wings and prepare to fly
For you to become a butterfly
Fly abandoned into the sun
If you should return to me
We truly were meant to be
So spread your wings and fly
Butterfly

I have learned that beauty
Has to flourish in the light
Wild horses run unbridled
Or their spirit dies
You have given me the courage
To be all that I can
And I truly feel your heart will
Lead you back to me when you’re
Ready to land

Spread your wings and prepare to fly
For you to become a butterfly
Fly abandoned into the sun
If you should return to me
We truly were meant to be
So spread your wings and fly
Butterfly

I can’t pretend these tears
Aren’t over flowing steadily
I can’t prevent this hurt from
Almost overtaking me
But I will stand and say goodbye
For you’ll never be mine
Until you know the way
it feels to fly

Spread your wings and prepare to fly
For you to become a butterfly
Fly abandoned into the sun
If you should return to me
We truly were meant to be
So spread your wings and fly
Butterfly

smile and let the sun shine again.

dance and let the rain fall again.   

sing and let the wind blow again.

laugh and let your heart shout again.    

think and let your mind breathe again.

pray and let your soul see the light again.

sleep and let your dream come true tonight…